Oi....

Wouldn't ya know it, I'm back here again. I'd say, "Oh, so much has happened!" since my last post six months ago, and some interesting things have happened. But obviously, the fact that I'm back here talking about essentially the same stuff as I was before shows that ultimately, it's still the same.

(Of course, this being the first post in six months, it'll be a long one. Shocker, I know.)

I suppose it's best to start out with what has changed since my last post. The biggest thing, aside from finishing my junior year of college and entering my last year, was going to South Korea for a study abroad over a six-week period. It was...well...disappointing. Not the country; that was amazing, and I'm seriously planning on going back there to be an English teacher for at least a year. So much to do in such a wonderful, incredibly fascinating, inexplicably oft-overlooked place. No, South Korea was wonderful, as were all the people I met there: lots of Korean-Americans, mostly from California (there's a real dearth of them in the northeastern U.S.), and a lot of people from the rest of the country. Nevermind the interest in most things generally that the Korean people themselves piqued in me. The real disappointment in Seoul was, well, me.

I did my best. I tried, I really did. We started out with a three-day tour of Jeju Island, off the southern coast. It started out slowly, as I might have expected. I met some people, many who were nice, but none who made an immediate, dramatic first impression on me. Then I somehow got in with what I'm ashamed to say I thought of at first as "the cool crowd". I know, just like high school, right?

Not that there was anything that I discovered about any of them that I disliked, nor did they seem to be the sort of people most people would find anything wrong with (other than the nearly-continuous head-butting of two of the girls; it was like moderating a pair of moody 13-year olds). They were also quite an attractive bunch of people, which I suppose is where my adolescent mind got the whole "cool" picture from; nonetheless, it was a confidence booster that they accepted me so readily. Remember, this is essentially self-esteemless me we're talking about; I'd say I live for those sorts of moments if I believed that they were ever earnest as concerns me. Anyway....

So, whilst staying at the hotel on the island, there was a party held in one person's generously-sized room. It started out slow, small, and quiet, yet as these things are wont to do, quickly ballooned. Nonetheless, a guy had caught my eye from the outset. I assumed him straight, because that's the way these things seem to work with me. But we hit it off nonetheless, and the cramped-ness of the room meant we were in close physical proximity. His ease around me, and the fact that I wanted him to be, led me to think, "...hm, maybe he's not straight". Of course, despite my hopes, he was in fact straight. Dargnabit. Good looking, tall for a Korean guy, muscular/thickly built and capable of holding an intelligent, extended conversation on race relations/nationalism despite us both having had quite a bit to drink at this point. ****. O well. The first of many disappointments yet to come.

Of course, after that encounter was when things got, mmmm, interesting for me. The hotel was right on the coast, with a seawall just across the street from the hotel; this became the post-party cooldown/gathering spot. And to my surprise (though happily enough due to our collective tipsy-ness, not my chagrin), I began the sort of questioning that I secretly want to ask everyone. You know, the 13-year old girl ones like, "am I good looking", "do you think I'm attractive", etc. And I got a lot of affirmative replies; not of course from most of the guys, but from many of the girls, most of whom at this point knew I'm gay, and so did not have a an immediately-obvious stake in saying yay or nay. This would nonetheless play into my whole, "if I'm your friend, you want to keep me that way" idea, but we were all drunk and tired at that point; we'd say what we wanted. Nevermind there was a drunken, really very-cute-but-not-my-type Korean guy who was hanging around me the whole time. Hm. This makes it more interesting

After having left the island and returned to Seoul, the fabulously-attired, insanely hectic, and otherwise exhilarating metropolis, things began to be more normal, both generally and for me personally. As I split up from the group of people (mainly girls) whom I had bonded with on the island into different classes, I began to pull back into my shell (Is there some other analogy for that? There should be.). Nonetheless, some of them lasted past that initial foray in South Korea. I did end up hanging out with them, and we even went clubbing more than once. I had fun, and even made out with the aforementioned Korean hang-arounder that I didn't really find attractive, even if I envied his appearance.

(Sidenote: Gay guy has first kiss in Korea?? Whaaaat???)

But me? Clubbing? Yes, I hated it, too....And that's the part that sucks, I mean in retrospect, really, really sucks. It's not that I didn't want to go clubbing, just f**king lose my mind for once. And it's not necessarily the fact that I physically don't feel right in my own skin. It's that no one expects someone this tall to look right dancing, and I know that. I can't lose my mind because it just isn't done for some people. At this point, I'm not even sure that it's really in me to do so. So instead of just for once enjoying myself, I'm constantly thinking about how what I can't do is what I want to do because I can't stop thinking about what I can/want to do. My head it getting in the way, both literally via its altitude, and figuratively because I've got (and I know others have, too) preconceived notions about what is and isn't appropriate behavior for someone physically shaped the way I am. Never even mind that the physical shape I have has influenced my behavior such that I have these stifling conceptions about how someone shaped like me is supposed to behave. Ugh. Annoyed/disgusted with myself.

I'd tell the rest in detail, but aside from running into yet another straight guy whom I thought was perfect in oh-so-many ways (Good height and stocky? Viola player with a $66,000 viola? Economics and Philsophy major who got a perfect SAT score? What the m@&^%# f$@#ing f^&%?!?! Maybe God really does hate gay people. Or me, anyway. Bastard.), it was pretty much same-ol', same-ol': people don't call me, I don't call them because I assume they must not care to hang out because they haven't called, people don't call me because I don't call them, etc. ad infinitum. I still don't know how to gauge people's enjoyment of my company or their fondness for me generally. And I'm still stuck in the mindset of my physical appearance necessarily dictating my every social interaction, despite evidence that a.) it's a positive influence, and/or, b.) it's a negligible influence.

Although, while over there, I did come to the conclusion that one of my honest-to-goodness life goals is to become a sex object, and another one I'd be happy to settle with is the career of househusband. What the hell is wrong with me?