Continued

(Yes, the title of this post is intentionally ambiguous. Do you like it? No? Well, it'll be obvious in a second anyway....)

So now that I'm back in the U.S., back at my uni, and back to the semi-daily grind, I'm reminded of all the other, slightly more pressing personal issues I face. The list:

1. I have no real passions, and therefore don't really know what to do with myself
2. I have no confidence or comfort with myself, and therefore don't know whom to turn to for/how to seek aid in these matters
3. Because of (1) and (2), am stuck in a position where:
a. I don't want to do anything
b. I don't want to figure out how to not want to do nothing

This list is, I'm sure, not unique to me, nor is it comprehensive, nor even very descriptive of the way I feel on a semi-hourly basis. That aside...Case in point: I've signed up, perhaps stupidly, for two philosophy seminar courses this semester. Why? Well, I dunno. I originally signed up for one, and even now after a mere three weeks in that one, I'm not sure that I understand/care enough to try to understand what is being taught. The other should be good, but I joined it recently enough that I can't say for sure, and in truth, I don't care enough about either at this point to want to put in the effort necessary to actually enjoy them later.

Additionally, after having taken two years of essentially a sham of a Chinese language course, and having received an award for the second year of it, I dropped out because now, three years in, the administers of the program decide to treat it like an actual language course, and thus believe that spending four hours outside of class for every one hour in class (in a class that meets for 5 and 1/2 hours ever week) is a reasonable expectation when previously 1/2 an hour sufficed for an entire week; language acquisition does not work retroactively in the way they seem to want it to. The enrollment from the second to third year of Chinese dropped by about 80%. We are collectively wise, it seems. Laoshi should approve....

On the other hand, I have started Japanese and am fully cognizant of the fact that this is an actual language course in the way that that third year Chinese course is; also, because it's Introductory Japanese, they don't presume that you have two years of prior knowledge given to you when really you don't and it wasn't. After the first week of the class, and having learned of the grammatical similarities between Japanese and Korean, I am convinced I should have been taking Japanese all along. I am, however, very, very frustrated by the lacksadaisical manner in which the various publishers/distributors of my school books have decided to deliver what I paid for two weeks ago.

The gist of all that is that I still feel very much so as though I have no idea of what I really want to/am willing to tolerate doing with my life, and am much more comfortable with the untenable conditions in which I live now, which is particularly troubling considering the heapin' helpin' of loans that await me post-graduation, nevermind the continuing and deeply-affecting feeling of loneliness I have, which my summer experience did nothing to alleviate in the long-term, assuming it didn't exacerbate it, which it probably did.

Maybe I should just join the military. After all, free meals, free showers, forcing you to workout until you've got abs, arms, a butt, and a proper upper body, having most things decided for you on a daily basis, forced camaraderie? All in exchange for the chance to risk your life as an occupation? I don't even have the proper onomatopoeia to express my attitude toward all that.

Blarg? Yeah, maybe.

Blarg....