I'm feeling really annoyed with myself. Not necessarily more than usual on a quantitative level, but qualitatively.
I mean, could I have been more than I am right now? Yes, I know I could have. Maybe the real problem is that I just don't have the patience to "give it my all". Or maybe my life has been too easy for me to see the value in doing so. Certainly, at this point in time and considering my family, it's too soon to have had the sort of experience that tells me one way or the other what level of input/output disequilibrium I'm willing to tolerate. But, at the same time, I'm pissed off at myself for almost always, with very few exceptions, taking life as easy as I have since high school. And retrospectively, since high school, that I didn't have the level of self-awareness earlier on in life that might have put me in a totally different position than I am in now.
I hate to sound like I'm complaining about my life now; in truth, I'm not. It really is objectively nearly as good as I could ask for it to be. I've got enough spare cash to indulge in fun or buy extra food occassionally if I like. And my perspective on things has loostened up enough that I'll actually let myself buy extra food. I live in a comfy-ish dorm, am receiving higher education, and generally don't have to stress too much about anything. But ignoring the stress part, which obviously most people want to avoid as much as possible, I keep thinking about what more I could and should do.
I have enough spare cash mostly from extra loan money, so I don't work; I applied to a few jobs but I haven't heard back from them and have stopped looking. I was actually in the process of signing up to volunteer as a reading tutor for 2nd and 3rd graders, but I didn't follow through. I'm leading the college's very small philosophical discussion group, and it seems to be dying before my eyes. I don't frequently read unless I have to, save for newspaper and magazine articles, and the very occasional academic journal. I don't work out, despite all my whining about my appearance, because I'd rather sit around doing stuff like this. I no longer try actively to socialize for the plethora of reasons I've mentioned repeatedly before. I don't generally put more effort into school than is necessary to get by with a 3.2-something GPA. I don't do many outdoor recreational activities. I just don't do much of anything other than waste my time.
And the worst part about it is that I don't mind that. I don't mind that I'm letting the prime years of my life slip behind me unnoticed and, save for the knowledge of what could have been, unmissed. I know I should do more, and I want to be the sort of person who wants to do more; I just can't bring myself to that point. I'm apathetic to the point that it bothers me, and I don't know why. It's not like I enjoy myself on a daily basis doing what I do, I just don't seem to care enough to figure out and do what I enjoy doing. But that can't be totally true; if it made me miserable, I'd change it, right?
Occassionally in the past, and much more frequently as of late, I have a picture of what I want my life to be like for the next 10-15 years. And despite my intermittent desires to have a family, volunteer, learn to cook, learn foreign languages, travel, be outdoors-y, it's been coming to much, much less for a good while now.
Save for having a body that I love, and being able to sleep around as much as I please, have a cheap-and-frugal but fun-to-drive car, and a respectable apartment. From my perspective, all that means I don't want any major changes. I just want to find somewhere to live (San Diego holds a lot of appeal for me, for some reason), work as a mechanic or some other such skilled-but-non-intellectual job, and spend my spare time watching TV and movies. I don't even think that'd cover most of my time, but I think I'd just spend the rest doing what I do here: thinking aloud and wasting days accomplishing nothing real. The scary part for me is that I'm not on track for that, nor am I really on track for that alternative, sunny future I sometimes want and appear to be working towards now. Like I said, the worst part is I have no real desire to change this situation, although I know I can't go on like this forever.
Again I have to ask, what is wrong with me?
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