It's been almost a year since I last posted here. I've graduated college with exactly the 3.2 GPA I mentioned some posts ago, and I feel like I'm socializing in healthy way. I've got a job that I will hold for a few more months until I can finally leave this place for somewhere (hopefully) better; more on that in a minute.
Things have actually been feeling...alright, all said and done, until yesterday afternoon. I went back up to my university for a few hours to chat and catch up as I hadn't seen my school friends all summer. We were talking about gender norms regarding dress code, and then about the difference between race, ethnicity, and culture, when another mutual friend of the three of us walked up. She has historically been a rather moody and gloomy prescence (if a good conversationalist), so the big smile on her face and the newly confident stride was quite a pleasant surprise, something we all hope marks a permanent change in her outlook. I was pleased to see her, but then she said, "What are you still doing here?"
Now, that wasn't intended as hard as I took it. You see, I've been planning for months now on going to South Korea to teach English for a few years before I move on to grad school for transportation planning, both for the experience and the extra money I can save up for said future schooling. I had hoped to be out of the U.S. by, uh, the start of this passing month, so her question wasn't at all out of place, or even rude.
But it was the phrasing, the bluntness with which that question was asked, that put me back into tailspin mode. What am I still doing here? The simple answer is that I'm waiting for paperwork to come through so that I can finally send in my application and then be on my way. And it is a true answer. However, why I am still waiting for it is because I didn't do it earlier, in a characteristic aw-I-can-do-this-later move by me. Knowing that I could have done it earlier puts to my mind the question of why I didn't. I know that one of the reasons is again sound--the application has as one of its components a copy of my college diploma, which didn't arrive here until, oh, a week ago. The other reason is not so sound; I simply failed to look further into the application process to realise that there were numerous other parts of the application which could have been done first. It's those other bits and pieces I'm waiting on now.
So, my laziness and apathy has once again caused me pain. This has only painted a worse picture of my current situation in my mind than I can probably find in reality. The job for which I have signed up is as school bus driver for the city. This seems, in some ways anyway, like a perfectly respectable position. I'll be helping encourage use of public transportation, which works along both my environmentalist and communitarian leanings. It also pays decently, even accepting that the liscensing procedure is intense enough that it ought to. But then...this is so stupid.
I went to the first training class and was...dismayed, to put it lightly. All the other attendees were clearly of a lower socioeconomic standing than myself; in simpler terms, they were lower class. This really put a damper on the efficient-and-functional view I had taken of the job. Why?
I mean really, how hypocritical is that? That I should hold against this position of employment that my co-workers are shabbily-dressed and unkempt? I, who try to claim and sincerely believe that people are as much a product of their situation as their situation is their product? Where do I then get off for being mopey that those around me don't meet some arbitrary standard of aesthetics that I don't meet either? But then I realised that that was exactly the problem.
And so, here we are again.
My feeling "bad about my situation" is just my feeling bad specifically about myself: that I haven't been better. Better looking, better-dressing, wealthier, harder-working, more intelligent, more self-controlling, etc., enough to not be in my present situation. In this particular instance, I hold the mere appearance of these people against them because I fear that in them, I see a mirror, and am obviously displeased by how short I fall from my aesthetic standards. I will say that all things considered, I may actually do something this time. Promise.
P.S. I may go into detail about my aesthetics v. my morals at some point. Judging by how I'm feeling lately, that may occur sooner rather than later.
No comments:
Post a Comment