Finished

I think I'm saying what I've said before. But maybe this is a bit different now. All I know is that it sucks, though, to be here, now.

I can't say what I'm going to say without sounding a bit proud, a bit big-headed, maybe even a bit shot-through with youthful naivete and simple recalcitrance. But I'm really beginning to think that it just doesn't matter.

At this point, I've spent quite a bit of time being (or at least attempting to be) inciteful, introspective, and reflective, and I've tried to be that way with as much painful honesty and as forthright an attitude as I could manage, under the assumption that that would make me a better person by society's measure. Force me to look at what I want, how I am, and how things are.

I now realise that none of that matters. It doesn't matter if my views, on myself or other things, are as self-consistent and sharp-sighted as I can make them. It doesn't matter if I attempt to think and behave in a rational manner, consistent with what I believe are the principles on which our society functions. And here comes the hubristic argument.

I may attempt to be rational in respect to my end goals, but I am mostly alone in this endeavor. The problem is not that people are so irrational, though they are (and, often, I am no exception). It's that even when they believe they are behaving rationally, the goals of others are not ones that I myself can rationalize. I had hoped to at least be able to help others rationalize their behavior according to their own goals, first by clarifying to them what their goals are, and then by aligning their behaior with those goals. But it should have been so plain to me that people don't take well to that kind of assistance, least of all from someone whom they perceive as so adrift himself and without the credentials which give him the right to offer this aid.

Of course, this realisation comes to me from a simple discovery of what might consistute those credentials. It's not the ability to rationalize and logically explain thought and behavior. It's not even necessarily achievements of whatever sort. It's perceived similarity. If I can relate to your situation, then I must be better at understanding it than someone who can't.

But how does this make any sense whatsoever? If I have been equally unable to change my situation from whichever aspect of it we share and you consider detrimental to yourself, then why on Earth would you want to commiserate with me about it? What's the point?

Unfortunately, I see now that the superabundance of such talk is just the product of the emotional shoulder-needing that all people are subject to; talking about problems without resolving them prevents them from being reduced to trivialities. If I can't figure out a problem that I have, and you have the same problem and are equally stuck, it must be serious, but at least we can persevere together.

Don't worry about fixing the problem, just don't leave me alone with it.

I see the appeal in that, and am certainly going to be found guilty of it by whatever judge and jury, but to have that be all that you talk about? Whether it be on a personal level or some grander social thought? Doesn't that just make you sad? Doesn't that just make you want to give up altogether?

It would me. And it does. And it has.

If I can talk to no one about actual problems, with the hope of resolving them, then perhaps I shall talk to no one at all. And perhaps I'll just stop worrying.

Rearview Mirror

It's been almost a year since I last posted here. I've graduated college with exactly the 3.2 GPA I mentioned some posts ago, and I feel like I'm socializing in healthy way. I've got a job that I will hold for a few more months until I can finally leave this place for somewhere (hopefully) better; more on that in a minute.

Things have actually been feeling...alright, all said and done, until yesterday afternoon. I went back up to my university for a few hours to chat and catch up as I hadn't seen my school friends all summer. We were talking about gender norms regarding dress code, and then about the difference between race, ethnicity, and culture, when another mutual friend of the three of us walked up. She has historically been a rather moody and gloomy prescence (if a good conversationalist), so the big smile on her face and the newly confident stride was quite a pleasant surprise, something we all hope marks a permanent change in her outlook. I was pleased to see her, but then she said, "What are you still doing here?"

Now, that wasn't intended as hard as I took it. You see, I've been planning for months now on going to South Korea to teach English for a few years before I move on to grad school for transportation planning, both for the experience and the extra money I can save up for said future schooling. I had hoped to be out of the U.S. by, uh, the start of this passing month, so her question wasn't at all out of place, or even rude.

But it was the phrasing, the bluntness with which that question was asked, that put me back into tailspin mode. What am I still doing here? The simple answer is that I'm waiting for paperwork to come through so that I can finally send in my application and then be on my way. And it is a true answer. However, why I am still waiting for it is because I didn't do it earlier, in a characteristic aw-I-can-do-this-later move by me. Knowing that I could have done it earlier puts to my mind the question of why I didn't. I know that one of the reasons is again sound--the application has as one of its components a copy of my college diploma, which didn't arrive here until, oh, a week ago. The other reason is not so sound; I simply failed to look further into the application process to realise that there were numerous other parts of the application which could have been done first. It's those other bits and pieces I'm waiting on now.

So, my laziness and apathy has once again caused me pain. This has only painted a worse picture of my current situation in my mind than I can probably find in reality. The job for which I have signed up is as school bus driver for the city. This seems, in some ways anyway, like a perfectly respectable position. I'll be helping encourage use of public transportation, which works along both my environmentalist and communitarian leanings. It also pays decently, even accepting that the liscensing procedure is intense enough that it ought to. But then...this is so stupid.

I went to the first training class and was...dismayed, to put it lightly. All the other attendees were clearly of a lower socioeconomic standing than myself; in simpler terms, they were lower class. This really put a damper on the efficient-and-functional view I had taken of the job. Why? I mean really, how hypocritical is that? That I should hold against this position of employment that my co-workers are shabbily-dressed and unkempt? I, who try to claim and sincerely believe that people are as much a product of their situation as their situation is their product? Where do I then get off for being mopey that those around me don't meet some arbitrary standard of aesthetics that I don't meet either? But then I realised that that was exactly the problem.

And so, here we are again. My feeling "bad about my situation" is just my feeling bad specifically about myself: that I haven't been better. Better looking, better-dressing, wealthier, harder-working, more intelligent, more self-controlling, etc., enough to not be in my present situation. In this particular instance, I hold the mere appearance of these people against them because I fear that in them, I see a mirror, and am obviously displeased by how short I fall from my aesthetic standards. I will say that all things considered, I may actually do something this time. Promise.


P.S. I may go into detail about my aesthetics v. my morals at some point. Judging by how I'm feeling lately, that may occur sooner rather than later.