Oh, nothing....

I hate nihilism.

As a materialistic utilitarian, collectivist, and humanist, I want to believe that simple progress, however defined, is the goal of human existence. And certainly, I don't think any non-Luddites would disagree that the world is a better place in which to live now than ever before.

As a materialist, I see people living longer, happier, more productive and prosperous lives around the globe than many could likely have ever imagined. The continuous march of ever-improving technology allows this to be possible (although I'm beginning to wonder if things will continue to progress the way they have in the past). As a utilitarian, I'm satisfied that the capitalistic, individual attempts at improving one's life has led to the improvement of the condition of humanity as a collective. And as a humanist, I find it hard to argue with the ever-increasing focus on human rights around the world afforded by development.

But all of this goes on in ways that I find difficult to appreciate as an individual, ironically enough. Perhaps it's just that my life is too comfortable, and I lack the will to "improve" my condition on my own because, well, life's okay. (Sidenote: A theoretical example of this on a broader scale is historian Mark Elvin's high level equilibrium trap.) But as I see the world move on without any real effort on my part it just leaves me wondering (and I know I'm not alone on this by any measure), "why am I here"? This conundrum is perhaps reflected in my choice of education. As I mentioned before, I'm a philosophy major in college. I chose this mostly because I couldn't think of anything else I particularly cared to do, other than thinking of course, which doesn't pay the bills all too well. But even then, I find thinking somehow...difficult.

Not to say that I have trouble saying things (clearly....), but I always feel like I'm thinking in circles. Someone who grows up in a technologically and economically advanced, capitalist society is always told to think of goals to set for oneself, and to have desires or hopes accessory to those goals. Again, as a materialist, I and many others tend to gravitate towards material possessions. But most people would agree that few are happy simply to have the nicest car, the best house, etc. These are all well and good, but really, what's the point? Ultimately, we are told to set non-material goals in addition to what we'd like to "have". This requires that you have a passion or a drive for something. And what do you do if you don't have that? What if your difficulty in thinking is figuring out what matters to you?

Perhaps I'm simply too early on in my life to know what mine is (although I think if I had to choose something, it would be turning East/Southeast Asia into the next EU), but what are you supposed to do? This rush towards progress brought about by development is such that most people in developed nations around the world attend college in their late teens-early twenties, essentially being told to decide what to do the rest of their lives then and there. If someone chooses not to go this route, they're often left working minimum wage jobs that leave them no time to think about what they'd actually like to do. Instead, others such as myself choose to enter college with no real aim, and find themself valuing nothing in particular. You come out the other end with a big "uh...what?" plastered across your forehead, and sort of wander around career-wise until you find something satisfactory, but perhaps still unfulfilling.

Again, maybe it's just my age, but it really makes you want to say that stupid, corny phrase, "Stop the world, I'm gettin' off".

And that pisses me off.

Me and Them

So, not much has changed in the last few days. Really not much. Continually struggling to find a job, on the verge of despondency, I find myself wondering about independence, or more abstractly, the difference between dependence and independence.

As a 21-year old, I of course seek to be independent from both parents and family. All of my friends have moved out from our hometown (save one, who's currently studying abroad). My older brother has been out of the house for some years now, and my parents and younger brothers have me wishing everyday that I were somewhere else, too. I find myself both alone and claustrophobically entrapped in what feels like a situation that I feel should have ended ages ago.


But then I wonder, why do I feel this way? Is the desire for independence, for an identity seperate from family, cultural or genetic? Certainly, growing up in America, independence is not only lauded, but almost required for full, "normal" social interaction and growth. Although I'm a collectivist at heart, I can certainly appreciate the desire for independence. In all sorts of media, avenues for expression of self identity abound, blogging being among them. Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, even the comment sections on newspaper websites--all were created to allow personal, individual expression of thought. I know I participate in these (save Twitter) when the mood strikes me. But why were all these even thought of? I'm no expert on human psychology (my knowledge consists of a single semester of high school psych classes), but without a doubt, our culture urges us to express ourselves through individual thoughts and actions, or put another way, literally to get out and go it alone. Granted, our society attempts to provide a sense of community and togetherness via such social networking tools, but do they really work? I can't say I fully agree they do.

Although I'm also no expert on modern East Asian (which here refers to Japan, Korea, and China) culture, I wonder how these fundamentally Western (and yes, I'm willing to generalize on this one), individualist influences are playing around with Confucianism's prioritizing of filial piety. Anyone care to say?

It's also interesting to note that two of those nations (Japan and Korea) have among the highest suicide rates in the world (it's also interesting to note that despitebeing highly patriarchal, the suicide rate is higher for men than women in both countries; maybe it's more accurate to say the higher male suicide rate is because of the patriarchy). Perhaps that is the outcome of meshing a historically collectivist tradition with individualist trends? Mixing a culture that relies at least somewhat on family for self identity with one that requires but does not structurally provide for individual self identity is bound to lead to some unpleasant conclusions. Not that an individualist society sprung from an individualist past always works out....

P.S. Yes, the source is Wikipedia. Provided you check the sources used and nothing looks obviously out of place, Wikipedia is a perfectly acceptable place to cite, especially for my purposes.

Hiya

I should preface this whole thing by saying that I generally detest blogs, and people who use them with any real frequency. It reeks of the unselfconscious narcissism that is the unfortunate hallmark of most people of my generation. Nonetheless, I'm tired of talking to myself most of the time, or finding that most of the people I talk to are ones I'm not comfortable talking about most things with. So ta da, here I am, blogging to the internet where I can, for a short while anyway, remain essentially faceless and anonymous.

I will talk about a lot of different things on here, but the focus will be on what I've come to realize is my only real strongsuit--thinking. I don't presume that I'm always thinking in the right direction, in the right way, or about things that particularly matter to anyone other than myself, but I do it a lot, which is why I'm a philosophy major/ asian studies minor in college. The only person with whom I know I can converse on any really constructive level is off elsewhere, and will remain so. I'm hoping that some will come and ask questions, propose solutions, or just generally interject thought into the rambling I'm bound to get into (if I haven't already yet).

Hell, I started one of these stupid things before and deleted it because I couldn't stop talking.

I'll try to restrain myself for the time being as I continue, for a shortwhile longer anyhow, to look for a summer job. I know that this was a jobless recovery, but it still stinks sitting at home, dependent on your parents for living, waiting for fall to arrive....

I don't expect that anyone will magically come along and join in whatever conversation I'm having with myself; really, this is just a place for airing out all the stuff in my head, as I don't like to burden those I know personally with my own troubles (seems like an odd problem, doesn't it? Sharing openly with those I don't know [at least when I really don't know them], and then pulling away once we know each other better. I suppose the fact that I can do that at all is the privilege afforded people by the internet).

Really, why would anyone care what I say on here? It's highly unlikely anyone here will know me personally(and frankly, I hope you don't), so you have no reason to care. If no one comes at all, this'll just be a little online journal. Like I said, this place is little more than somewhere for me to jot down thought bubbles before they all pop over my head, leaving me absolutely drenched and hopeless.