I just...I hate myself. More than I can express. I've been down this road many times before, and not every time has been recorded on this blog. I have failed to live up to the few commitments I have, for no particular reason than that I don't want to.
What kind of idiot has my life and lets it go to waste, simply from apathy?...Is it just apathy? Of course, there's a more-than-healthy heaping of self-loathing too, but part of that stems from my apathy. I wear myself down making myself feel bad for not being better than I am, and as a result, I fall short of even what little that I really am.
Why? It's not even like this self-inflicted cycle of damage, psychological or otherwise, is something I couldn't put a stop to if I wanted to. But it's not right to say that I don't want to stop going along as I am. I hate myself, but...now that I'm thinking about it, more for what I'm not than what I am. Is that absurd? Is it normal to feel a tinge of hatred for yourself everytime you look in the mirror, everytime that you look deeply into your own eyes and think, "Who the fuck is that"?
The problems are the same as always: low self-confidence in every regard (looks, intelligence, social skills, laziness, etc., etc.) makes me so depressed that I don't take care of myself, I don't do work, I don't even...think, at least not in a way any deeper than is required to write something as self-pitying, self-loathing, shitty, worthless, pointless, and stupid as this.
I thought, for the longest time, that even with my occasional downcast spells, I was doing better. Then, this semester comes along, and I wonder just how the hell someone as worthless as me is still existing. I tried to do the right things this semester...until I realized it was futile, and that I couldn't do anything to improve my life that wouldn't seem desperate and contrived.
Seriously, who does that? Who has opportunities to make things better for themselves, is perfectly cognizant of that fact, and then doesn't just pass them up, but thinks, "I'm not worth it, and even if I was, I'd look stupid for trying"? Who that isn't a depressed 13-year old girl, metaphorically punches himself in the face like that? Repeatedly, over years and years?
I think I'm seeing, evermore clearly, that that's pretty much what I am--a depressed teenage girl. Except, I envy even her; at least she could be pretty.
So pathetic....
